Tuesday, September 28, 2010

30 days later.

It's difficult to write this post without sounding ungrateful and depressing.  So, ahead of time, I'm sorry.  But not really.  I need to write.  Because hopefully writing everything down will somehow make me feel better in 2 or 3 years when I'm able to sit down and reread this post and be grateful for whatever my situation may at that point.  So I'm going to throw it out there and put the buzzword bold blogging to good use.

Here goes...

I hate working full time.  Hate it, hate it, hate it.  I HATE IT.

It's not the work I mind.  I do have a passion for teaching and I love being a teacher and working with children - but, I HATE being away from home. 

I miss Beckham terribly.  I hate that he spends the majority of his time out of my care.  I hate that he cries more often, that he's been sick for going on two weeks straight, that he wakes up in the middle of the night frequently (which is something he hasn't done consistently since infancy), and that the two waking hours I do spend with him I am usually past exhaustion.  I am not giving him my best. I feel it and I'm pretty sure he feels it too. 

I think I cry just as often as he does these days.  Something just doesn't feel right about being gone all. the time.  I leave for work at 6:30am so that I don't have to stay late, and, despite that, I am at school until 4:30pm anyway tying up loose ends and emailng and blah, blah, blah. 

And this, what I'm about to type, is going to sound just downright awful.  But after I spend 7+ hours giving my all to twenty-four children, it's hard to come home and give my all to my own.  And that is the worst.  The absolute worst feeling ever. 

On top of all that, there's still marriage, laundry, bills and other facets of life that require care and attention.  It's hard.  Is there a trick to this?  Am I just missing the part where everything just falls into place and works out?  Because we're only 30 days into the school year, and with 147 left to go, I am seriously wondering just how I'm going to make it through until May as the emotional wreck that I am right now. 

And it's hard for B too.  He's juggling this new stay-at-home dad gig, all while trying to sneak in study sessions during naptimes and deal with me who is crying into his shoulder about how miserable I am.  I guess it isn't easy for any of us right now. 

My prayer lately has been that somehow God will make a way for our family so that I don't have to teach fulltime for very long.  I don't know how.  The lottery, maybe?  Though yesterday, when I picked up my pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks, I seriously contemplated what it might be like to work their early shift so I could be home early enough to take Beckham to preschool.  I hear they give benefits for part-time...

And, as I said, I'm sure I sound ungrateful.  But I truly am not.  I am grateful that I do have a decent job that pays the bills, provides benefits, and that B has gone back to school to pursue his college degree.  I just wish there was more time in the day, the money grew on trees, and that childhood lasted longer than a blink.  But none of that is true, unfortunately.

I don't have any concluding statements to make, other than a peppier Babbling Abby will be back tomorrow for What I Wore Wedesnday.  At least I'll look that way in the pictures :) 

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