Sunday, May 13, 2012

To my baby on your 3rd birthday,

Help me to find the words to say to you today.  
I'm so sad.  
I know you wouldn't want me to be sad, baby, but I am.  
I can't help it.  I wish you were here.  
I wish I were decorating the entire house so that it looked like it "threw up" Elmo. 
I know that's what kind of birthday party you would have wanted- Elmo everywhere.  And maybe even a little Bert and Ernie mixed in there.  
This is the hardest post I've had to write.  
I think it's even harder than the post I had to write on January 14th. 
Because now the shock is wearing off, and reality is setting in.  
You would be THREE years old today, baby boy.  

I wish we were rocking in your favorite spot and I wish we were singing songs together. 
And then maybe if you felt okay, you would play "Happy Birthday" for me on the drums like you did last year on this day.  

I wish we were beating the odds again this year. 
I wish we could chalk up another year of beating EB.  
But this is reality, I guess. 
You don't even get to see your THIRD birthday. 

Bubba, I need your help in convincing me that EB didn't win. 
I want to say it, but saying it and feeling it are two different things.  Right now I feel like it won.  
Because it took you from me.  EB took away the most precious gift I've ever received... You.  
But I know you aren't having the same feelings as me.  
I know you are up there in Heaven, soaking up the Living Water and the light of Jesus.  
I know you aren't wishing that you were back here... suffering.  
I know deep in my heart that you are in the best place possible. 
But it's without me.  
Baby, you've never been ANYWHERE without me.  
That's why it's so hard.  I'm supposed to be with you.  We go everywhere together. 

I remember the day you were born... 

Oh, how beautiful you were. 

You were the most amazing baby from the second you came out of Mommy's belly. 
You were SO good.  So quiet, so patient, so perfect. 

The day you turned a year old was such an incredible milestone for us.  
Boy, had you been through a rough year... a feeding tube, over 10 teeth, a breathing tube, practically living in the hospital... and then starting to have sores in your eyes.  
You were so beautiful.  
You were SO good.  
Nothing ever bothered you.  You never cried. 
I can't tell you how proud I was the day you turned ONE. 

I don't think the doctors thought you would live to be TWO. 
By this time, you had surely been through the ropes.  
Infections, losing your eyesight, the sores that kept coming and wouldn't heal. 
The pain... 
You were such a trooper on that day.  You smiled, you played, you entertained everyone.  
Even though I know you were hurting. 
You make me so proud, baby. 
For you to turn TWO years old was a blessing.  We all knew that.
It showed the power of love, prayer, and perseverance.  

But we don't get to see THREE.  
You are spending your third birthday in the lap of Jesus. 
I'm not sure that any Elmo party can top that... 
But oh, how I wish we could try.  

The day before you left me was torture... the day that you left me was torture...

The days after you left me were torture... 

And today, living without you in my arms is torture... 

And now, THIS is what I have to do to honor your birthday- I did this before I left to come to New Mexico to see your Nanny.  It was pouring down raining and was supposed to rain all weekend, so I knew I didn't have a choice but to put something out there in the rain.  
Well, it didn't work, of course.  
The balloons didn't stay.  
(I can't wait until your monument is made so it can be pretty out there). 
I guess I'm just new at the "decorating the cemetery" stuff. 
No Mommy should have to do that. 
I sat in my car, soaking wet.
And I cried... and cried... and cried. 
It's so unfair. 

I sure hope God is throwing you the best Third, Elmo Birthday party EVER. 
You deserve to be able to finally get to stick your little fingers in your cake and pig out. 
I wonder if God has a camera to take pictures so I can see one day, too.  
Because Lord knows Mommy took lots and lots of pictures of everything.  
Could you ask him that for me, baby? 

I'm devastated. 
I miss you. 
It's not fair that I'm not with you. 
It's not fair that I have to stay behind and try to breathe without you. 
Sometimes, it literally is hard to breathe without you. 

I'm so proud of you. 
I don't think I could possibly be able to FEEL any more proud of you. 
You are the greatest gift and the most precious blessing that I've ever received. 
I wish we would have had more years together.  
I wish I could have seen you take your first steps forward without holding on. 
Or maybe even learn how to play your first set of "big boy" drums.  
I wish we could have eaten an ice cream cone together.  Or taken a boat ride.  
Or gone to the beach together.  
I wish I could have watched your first t-ball game.  
I wish we could have gone to get a snowball on the hottest day of the year. 
I wish I could have taken your picture for your first day of kindergarden. 

I was walking through target the other day.  
That's where I bought almost every single one of your toys (we pretty much bought out the store).
And I passed by the toy section.  My eyes welled with tears as I saw SO many new toys that were on the shelves that if you were still here, I know I would have bought them all.  
I saw a really cute toy that I knew you would have loved.  
I hope Jesus has it for you in Heaven. 

Today also makes 4 months since you've left my arms. 
But it seems like an eternity ago.
 I want you back in my arms. 

Happy, Happy THIRD Birthday, in heaven, my sweet boy. 
I know it's not a happy day for me... but I sure hope it is for you. 
I hope you know that Mommy would be there with you if I could.... 
lighting your candles and letting you open SO many presents. 

My heart is aching.  
I miss your face, the touch of your fingers, your smile, your fusses, and your smell. 
I miss rocking with you all day long, listening to our favorite songs.  
I would give my life up in a second to be with you again.
No question about it.  
You were, are, and always will be the most important person in my life. 

  I love you Bubba.  
I miss you with all of the heart I have left :(

*Anyone who would like to honor Tripp for his birthday can make a donation in his name to the Butterfly Fund.  Just click the link and there are several options for donating. 
I know Mrs. Laurie, Mr. Michael, Allie, and the board of directors for the Butterfly Fund will be thrilled for the help to make some of the family's lives just a little easier. 
I know that is what Tripp would want for his birthday. 
Thank you all SO much!


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