It's almost been a month since I've posted. The days seem to fly by so fast lately. I feel like I'm constantly doing something at all times to keep my mind distracted.
The days are getting harder.
I miss him so much.
So much that sometimes it will physically hurt.
I'm floating back and forth between the stages of pure grief with the feeling of being completely lost and then the idea of thinking about the next stages in my life. And when I start to think about the future and the great things that are in store for me... as happy as that makes me, I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt for thinking about those things. I know in my heart that Tripp wants nothing more than for me to be happy, but sometimes the feelings of guilt are overwhelming. It's a strange feeling... sometimes I feel like the only things I feel comfortable doing are the things that I did when he was still here. That way, I'm not doing new things without him.
In my heart, I know that he knew and loved Stephen... so I feel like he approves of the relationship that I am in... and that at least makes one thing stress-free and easy.
Because moving forward is so difficult.
I know that anyone who has lost a child can sympathize with me when I say that MOST days, if given a choice... I'd rather be dead. That's just the cold, hard truth. It's an unbearable, unexplainable feeling.
Anything that I do, I think about Tripp not being with me.
I think about the things that we didn't get to do together and the things we won't get to do together.
Except I'm pretty strong. I hate being so strong. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so strong. Sometimes I wish I could cry in public... then maybe people would know I'm not just "moving on" and "okay." Maybe then they would know that I think about my baby every. single. waking. second. of the day.
Did I mention that I love my counselor?
She's really great.
And she's very Christian- which I love, of course.
We are really getting to know each other a little better each time I go, and that is really nice.
She's trying to help me to learn how to focus on the GOOD times Tripp and I had together instead of thinking about the things we missed out on.
Except when she told me I was making progress, I cried like a baby. The guilt completely takes over me sometimes- especially when someone thinks I'm "moving on." Even though I know deep down that it's okay to make progress... all I want is to rewind 5 months and have my baby in my arms.
I do love being able to try and explain to her what an amazing little boy he is. It's kind of impossible to do unless you really got to meet and know him, though.
He was and still is such a brave little disciple of Christ.
Some days are just unbearable without him.
I've been trying lately to make myself get off my stupid phone or computer and read my Bible instead. It shouldn't be such a sacrifice, right? But sometimes it is. After I read, though, I feel so much better... Like a wave of peace finally passes over me.
So tonight, I think I want to focus on one thing:
As I lie in my bed... next to Tripp's blankets that are still placed neatly in their spot... all I can really think about is love. First, I think about how much I loved him. I think about the days, hours, minutes and seconds that we spent together. Nighttime is the worst now. It brings back the most memories for me. I loved nighttime with my baby. I loved waiting for him to fall asleep so that I could kiss his head or hold his little fingers without him "fussing" or slapping me. I loved the music we played and the prayers we would say. Without sounding boastful, I would say that I pretty much gave up my life for him. Because the day that he was born, he became my life. It was a choice. A choice to do whatever it took to keep him alive and happy. I think that is LOVE.
Then I think about how much he loved me. Sometimes I think that God sent Tripp to me to save my life. And I think Tripp agreed to. I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but I honestly feel like he really did save my life. I wasn't a bad person before I had Tripp. But I was a selfish person. I thought that I knew how to love, but I really didn't. He taught me that. He taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. That means loving someone with absolutely no judgement, no boundaries, no limits. Maybe Tripp's little soul didn't "choose" to come to the Earth and suffer... or maybe it did. One day I will know that answer. But I do feel like, in a way, he gave up his life to save mine and perhaps others. Whether it be by choice or not, that is LOVE.
And then I think about God's love.
I know this is hard, guys. I know that if right now I told you that God LOVES you, you might sit back and roll your eyes a little and think to yourself... (here comes the holy-roller part). Just give me a chance, though... I promise that I'm no where near perfect and that trying to get to heaven is a working progress! I know sometimes things don't always go the way we want them to (trust me, I can vouch for that) and that sometimes we get frustrated with God. I've been there. I'm still there.
But He is so forgiving. He wants us to know Him. He wants us to make the right choices. And he wants us to CHOOSE Him. And before all, He wants us to love each other. God knows we make mistakes. He knows that we aren't perfect. And he knows everything you do and need before you do. He tells us all of this.
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."
"Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."
But I wonder why some people have no problem believing something they read in a magazine or see on TV, but it's so hard to believe something that has been passed down for thousands of years that never changes.
His Word. His Word is love. God is love.
"In the beginning was the Word,
and the Word was with God,
and the Word was God."
"Whoever does not love, does not know God, because God is love."
So, tell me, why is it SO hard for us to love each other? The world is falling apart right before our eyes because we just won't love each other. That's all that it boils down to. Plain and simple. No one has respect for anyone else anymore. The things that come out of our mouth are disgusting- the curse words, the gossip, the ugly things we say about other people...
"But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. This need not be so, my brothers.
What's it going to take for us to change this? Could it start by just ONE person showing an act of kindness... or has the world already fallen too far? If you are kind to someone and they don't accept your kindness, do you get frustrated and give up? Did you know that God says this:
"He should know that whoever brings back a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins."
"Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance."
That's huge. What a promise, right?
He's telling us that if we bring someone back to God, that we will save our own soul from death.
So why are we destroying each other?
We all think that we deserve more than someone else. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own lives and in ourselves that we forget about others. We all think we are worthy of things, when actually, not a single ONE of us are promised tomorrow, nor do we know our future...
"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town and spend a year there doing business, and make a profit'- you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow. You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears. Instead, you shall say, 'If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.'
I'll end on this...
I trust and believe that I know exactly where my baby is.
And all I know is that I want to get there too.
So if we can't trust and believe in God's promise...
then what are we living for?