You just can't.

Today was a yucky, sad day.  Perhaps my body is finally catching up on rest from the past 2 1/2 years.  And maybe reality could finally be setting in or the shock wearing off...  I'm not sure.  I have no clue what my body is feeling or what I'm supposed to be doing.  I know that I am the queen of putting on my happy face and sucking it up.  Most of the time, doing that is SO much easier than crying.  But today I had to cry.  I can only go so long trying to be strong.  I am so good at holding in the tears and the pain until it builds up so much that I literally can't hold it in for one more second, and the tears just flow.  

You know how when someone loses somebody they love, they say that a "part of them" is missing?  Well, I know that for me (and I'm sure everyone else who has lost a child), that this "part" is a REAL physical part.  When I say that a part of me is missing, I really feel like it physically is.  It's not just a figure of speech.  There is such an emptiness in my heart when I think about my baby.  And the fact that he isn't here with me anymore just physically hurts so bad, almost to the point of nausea.

  I don't know how else to explain it.  

Tripp was my entire life.  Literally.  He was the reason that I woke up, the reason I took every breath, and the reason I did ANYthing for 2 years and 8 months.  Even though I've been keeping busy and trying to do normal things to make people think I'm okay.  I know I'll never be okay.  

Will I go on with life and function like a normal human being? 

Yes.  

Will I do fun things again one day without feeling guilty every minute while I'm doing them?  

Maybe.  

Will I ever be OKAY with the fact that I have to live without my baby?

  No.  

I'm sure of that.  That is a feeling that doesn't change.  And no matter what I try do to "move on" (I hate those stupid words...) my life will never ever be the same.  I will be happy in different ways, I know... with my great new man and all my wonderful family- but I'll never be able to get back the piece of my broken heart that Tripp took with him when he left.  

I don't know if I have shared this with you guys yet, but I always think of the day that Tripp left my arms.  I think about the moment when I knew that he was no longer here, but had gone to be with Jesus.  I don't know if I could explain the feelings I had at that moment.  I wanted to go with him.  An instant feeling came over me and I was immediately not scared to die.   I'll never be scared to die.  It was an instant feeling that nothing on this Earth really matters.  And that's sort of what I'm struggling with.  Obviously I know that I can't choose when I get to leave this Earth (if I could... trust me, I would).  But I just feel like time is standing still.  Actually, I feel stuck in-between two lives.  I have a beautiful life here- with a guy who treats me like a queen and would give me the world if he could... amazing friends, family, and support.  I'm blessed that I don't have to rush back to work and I can take my time and grieve properly and get back on my feet.  But I also have another side of me that is missing my little boy so much that I would forfeit my life here in one second.  

I often think about the things I would do with him if he could come back for one day.  Oh, what I wouldn't give to be able to play his favorite songs in his rocking chair again.  Or to listen to him beat his drums to "shoo-fly" while fussing me when I ask him if I can drum too.  I know in my heart that I didn't take one day for granted... but I can't help feeling that if I just had one more day, I could show him how much I REALLY loved him.  Because it's so true that you don't know how much you love something or someone until they are gone.  I never ever thought that I could love Tripp anymore than I did when he was here with me... but I can tell you I would give ANYTHING... and I mean anything... to see him again.  

I know the time will come... but those words just don't seem to help right now.  

I can't even bear to flip through pictures anymore... 

I miss him so much. 

And I've come to the conclusion that you can't fix a broken heart.  

You just can't. 

Love,

The Runaway Bunny {BFIAR}

This is an overview of what we did last week.

A little late, I know.

Blogging has taken a back seat to a weekend away and a busy, busy week.

But for my own records and your enjoyment I thought it was was better late than not at all!

Here goes!

The week was filled with all kinds of little dilemmas.

I locked all three kids in the van when I was due to be at a doctor's appointment.

And another day locked all of us out of the house.

Mama brain, perhaps?

The girls kept me busy - playing make-up with an inkpad and hairdresser with real scissors.

And Tait felt pooing on the driveway made more sense than coming inside to the potty on such a beautiful day.

Ah, the life of a mother!

Thankfully, we were oozing positivity this week due to the warm weather and beautiful sunshine.

With weather like that how can one stop smiling?!

The majority of our time was spent outside exploring all the joys of spring!

We spruced up the van.

Checked out the buds on the trees.

And discovered that the bulbs we planted in the fall are starting to grow!!

Our BFIAR book this week was The Runaway Bunny.

We played an animal memory game that included many of the animals the little bunny in the story says he will become plus a few others.

Piper did an 'if, then' activity that related to the story.

In the story, little bunny says he will become a crocus in a garden so we made crocuses!

The girls traced their hands and cut them out.

Then we taped them around pencils and ended up with a lovely bouquet!

We talked about shapes this week.

Taitum learned about triangles, squares, circles and crescents.

She glued pictures from the book of things that are these shapes under the correct shape flap.

Piper learned about things that are round: spheres, circles and disks.

She also did a flap book activity to correspond with this.

(Yes, those are socks on Tait's hands!)

For an art activity, we discussed how some of the illustrations in the book are black and white and others are in color.

Then the girls made their own black and white and color illustrations.

Piper did an excellent job drawing the bunny from the book.

She then painted a picture of the bunny at the circus.

This was her favorite part of the story - when the little bunny says he will join the circus and fly away on the flying trapeze and his mama says she will become a tightrope walker and walk across the air to him.

That was our week...last week!

It was such a relief to spend so much time outside!

Next, we'll be 'rowing' The ABC Bunny and spending some time on Easter type things!

Happy 6 Months!

Height:  24.4" (62cm) (20%)

Weight:  16.lbs 9oz (50%) - up 2lbs in 2 months!!

Head:  17" (25%)

Keeler @ 6mos: 

Height: 27" (75%) 
Weight: 15lbs 2oz (20%) 
Head: 17.25" (50%)

Dear Kallahan,

Happy 6 months! Wow, can you be half a year old already?!  It seems just like yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital.  However, in many ways it seems like you have been in our family forever and I can’t even imagine going back to just us three.  I always knew I wanted to have two kids and now our little world seems so complete.  You are an absolute joy!     

At your 6 month well visit, everyone loved you Kal! You are so happy, always smiling and cueing at anyone that talks to you.  This month you have actually started eating food!  You have tried a few new items in addition to your rice cereal, like green beans, bananas and squash.  You have done well with all of them.  You are still not eating much but you are getting better every day. 

You recognize your name now.  You have received some nicknames recently, “Kal-hoon”,  “Hoon” & “Spike.”  Your hair gets crazier every day.  One day this month I put some gel in it to try to make it stay down.  It did good for a while and then it was just a big mess when you woke up from a nap.  I love it tho – everyone says this is just like my hair was when I was a baby.   

Developmentally, you are sitting with support.  You can get across a room by rolling and scooting.  You prop yourself up on your side, all sprawled out and just hold your head up like you are so big.  I don’t think it will  be long before you’re crawling. You’re almost there, mister!

You love to be outside.  You like to swing and ride in your wagon with Keeler.  I know you are going to love the spring and summer.

Love,

Mommy

You have come into the world so tiny, 

Yet with such great promise for the future.

Before you were even born,

God planned wonderful things for you. 

- unknown

Weekend Whoas - in pictures

My little cowboys and I were not feeling 100% this weekend so we kept it pretty low key.   We have been fighting a nasty cough and cold but since the weather was honestly perfect we managed to get out and enjoy it.  We worked in the yard, someone managed to play in the water, against his daddy's wishes & went to the park... 

Enjoy! 

Our little yard work helper.

Eating some cereal

 Sampling daddy's smoked chicken - "that's the best I ever tasted!"

 Who needs a double stroller when you have a wagon & a Bumbo?!

 I LOVE how Kal admires his big bro!

 Swinging with Daddy

 Loving these chubby baby feet :)

Teeter-totter with Mommy

 We went on a looong scenic drive while the little cowboys napped after the park.

Silence, ahhhh........

Then Kal went on his first horse ride (with a little boost, ha!) when we got home from eating dinner with the neighbors.  

I take Kal to his 6 month checkup tomorrow.  Stay tuned for his progress!

Moments to Remember: Book Love

Moments to Remember was developed as a simple way to look back on our week as homeschoolers and find photos that encompass the memories we want to remember.

The week may have been tough, there may have been more bumps than smiles, but in the end these are the moments that keep us going, the ones we need to remember.

In case you haven't noticed, we are really into books around here!

Both my hubby and I are avid readers and it's pretty important to us that our kids are too.

From the time they were tiny little babies we've been reading to them.

It's quite normal to walk into a room and find one or both girls surrounded by books and quietly flipping through the pages of one.

I love this!

It makes me so happy to see my girls enjoying books as much as I do!

The above picture is of Piper anxious to see what books we'll be diving into first thing in the morning.
(Books + coffee + my girls = wonderful mornings!)

The second picture just melts my heart.

Piper is 'reading' Goodnight Moon to her little sister since Tait was sick the day we started the book and so missed us reading it together.

Pipe was catching her up!
(Notice their shoes - one has sneakers on the wrong feet, the other dress-up high heels. This totally describes their individual personalities!)

Seven

Seven years ago
I married a man who proved to be far better than my dreams
Its crazy now, looking back
We were so young
Knew so little
(Seriously, I'd never done laundry or cleaned a toilet!)
We had no money, no careers, no idea what real life was like
But we had love and a promise and a God who was greater than both
We were unafraid

Seven years later
And I haven't looked back
Not once
All that we needed
Came in good time
Of course there were moments
Of worry and stress
Moments when we didn't see eye to eye
When we wondered if things would really work out
But they always did
And we learned that
In the midst of it all
Life together is good
So good

Now as a grouchy two year old screams in the back of the van
And the four year old yells that she is hungry again
And the baby cries because she lost her soother
We sit side by side
Holding hands
Giggling together
At our crazy life
Our life together
That has turned out to be
Crazy wonderful

Blessings and baptizing the baby

I can’t describe what an great weekend we had with family.  It was jam-packed with fun, love, warm weather and fellowship –what better combination?!  We ended up bumping up Kallahan’s baptism to Sunday since  our Reverend called  and reported that he would be in town.    
On Friday I took off early to take Keeler to the farm before our company arrived...he has been so excited to ride in the new ranger and see the baby calves.   Unfortunately, he was a little grumpy while we were there since it was about nap time but he had fun and we enjoyed spending time with him one-on-one.  

My parents, sister and her family came on Friday night.  The kids played so well!  We went to the park, went shopping (hooray for Alco!) and cooked for our Sunday meal.  Kallahan fell in love with "aunt manthy" - plus enjoyed his first tastes of watermelon & lemonade!

So much fun with cousins...

Saturday evening we had a Saint Patty's Day party.  The party was complete with green mashed potatoes, green mac & cheese, green rice crispy treats and we buttered our rolls with green butter!

Kallahan Troy Baker

Baptized March 18, 2012

Thank you to all our family and church family that made today such a beautiful day!

“Let the little children come unto Me, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”  Luke 18:16

Boat Float And A Science Fair

This week our science experiment was a bit more detailed than usual because....

Piper was going to a SCIENCE FAIR!

I selected a boat float experiment for her to do since I wanted something simple enough to understand and fun to do.

We were not disappointed!

First, we did some research.

Because she was unsure of what float and sink meant exactly, I took some time to explain these words to her.

Next, I gave her various items - a marble, a toothpick, a leaf, a foam toy, a crayon - and had her predict what would float and what would sink.

Then she got to work dropping each item in a jar of water to see if her predictions proved true!

She absolutely loved doing this and so I let her take her time.

She spent a half an hour dropping things in the water, taking them out and trying again.

As she was doing this we chatted about reasons why certain things floated and others sank.

And although I had not yet mentioned the fact that we would get into making boats, she came up with one all on her own!

 

After a while, we moved on to the actual experiment:

Can we turn something that sinks into something that floats?

To begin, she made a ball out of some modelling clay and predicted that it would sink.

She was correct, of course

.

I then asked her if we could change the shape of the clay ball so that it would float.

She quickly came up with the idea of making it into a boat just like she had done with some of the items in her reasearch!

Her first boat was completely flat and sank immediately.

We discussed why this happened and what we could change to make it float.

I suggested making sides on the boat since she had difficulty thinking of what to do next.

Once we added the sides to it, the boat had no problem floating.

As an extension, we asked the question:

Can the boat hold extra weight and still float?

To find out, I pulled out some marbles for her to add to the boat.

But first she predicted how many the boat would be able to hold.

She guessed 5 and then began adding marbles.

The first boat held 3 marbles before it sank!

I then asked what we could do to make the boat better and able to hold more marbles.

We ended up making one that was bigger (double the amount of clay).

Piper predicted the better boat would only hold 3 marbles.

I guess she doubted it would be any better then the last boat!

But it proved to be far better, holding 7 marbles!

 

A few days later we gathered all our data, printed photos and got to work making a poster board to present our ideas at the science fair.

I figured Piper would be rather bored with making the poster board but she was very enthusiastic!

She helped with everything!

It was so nice to work side by side on this project!

Taitum joined us off and on as well!

Saturday was the science fair.

Piper was so excited - mostly about getting to go to a school since I'm sure she wasn't really aware of what a science fair was exactly!

We set up our board and clay, marbles and water so other people could try their hand at making a boat.

The whole gym was full of kids with their projects set up and visitors were free to stop at each table and hear about the child's project.

At first, Piper was very shy but eventually she really got into it especially when other kids came by to try making a boat!

Here is her poster board in a little more detail:

She drew a picture of a bot with marbles in it.

She drew a picture of each of the items she tested during her research.

 

She printed the words 'float' and 'sink' on the board.

 

Here is Piper and Tait accepting their awards for participating in the science fair!

They both recieved medals!

They had such an enjoyable time at the fair - not only presenting their project but also checking out other children's projects.

We're looking forward to doing it again next year!

Yay! Science is fun!