In case you forgot...

...my son can think of many other uses for a potty, besides its actual use...

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Love, 

In a funk...

Tripp had a horrible day.  Talk about a roller coaster ride.  I just never know how he's going to be when he wakes up.  Life is just like one big guessing game.  It's like we are starting back at square one.  He barely opened his eyes today, they are red and he constantly tries to rub them all day.  I feel HORRIBLE for him. I don't know what is bothering him.  Is it just the eyes?  Is it his stomach... because he is restless and can't get comfortable and passing gas all the time?  And he has been having trouble breathing the past couple of days.  I don't know if he has a cold or not.  OR it's just a combination of them all... which just really really stinks.  I don't know... I just wonder how much longer he can go on like this.  When he gets to where he can't breathe and his eyes are bothering him so bad and he's so upset, I put my hand on his little heart and it's almost pounding out of his chest.  I mean, he's been struggling to get the air in since he was born.  When will he tire out?  When will he have just had enough.  Poor Man.  It just breaks my heart.  When there is nothing you can do as his Mommy, it totally breaks your heart.  Just when I thought his eyes were healing and things were going to turn around for a while, things get worse... but I guess I should just be used to it by now.  Nothing can ever go smoothly.  When will he catch a break?  When will we have a solid week or normalcy (well, normalcy for US).  It's just so hard.  I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and TOTALLY exhausted.  My days these past 2 weeks have consisted of sitting in a dark house watching my precious little man throw himself back in pain.  He just can't get comfortable lately.  He absolutely positively HATES eye drops... and I have to put them in as often as possible, so that makes me feel horrible.  I'm the one that is cleaning up scabs and wounds, wiping the "burning" poopoo off of his RAW behind while he screams (screams meaning squeaks loud through the trach), trying to lube the sores that get stuck on his gauze wrap so that I get them "unstuck" while he screams and stuff starts bleeding... I am always the one that causes him the pain.  And don't get me wrong, I know that he loves me and that he knows that I love him, but it is killing me inside.  It is mentally tearing me apart.  It's so hard to understand what I go through MENTALLY (not even physically) on a daily basis.  I am a mother.  I carried my baby for 9 months and I gave birth to him.  Since I was about 12 years old, I've dreamed of the day that I would have a baby.  But never in my wildest dreams would I have pictured this.  It is heart wrenching to watch your own flesh and blood suffer on a daily basis.  He is MY baby... I'm supposed to be able to help him and comfort him and make it all better.  And there is no way that I could ever explain to you how it feels not to be able to make things better... not to be able to fix things... not to be able to take the pain away.  It hurts.  It kills me.   How do you prepare yourself for something like this?  You can't, I know.  I just don't think people realize how much Tripp has gone through in the past 10 months.  We spent about 1/3 of his life in the hospital, 1/3 in doctors offices, and the other 1/3 wondering if we should take him to the doctor or bring him into the hospital.  It has been problem after problem after problem.  It's just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm not being negative, just trying to be honest and tell you how I'm feeling.  I guess you could safely say that I'm in a FUNK.  Big Time.  I guess when he feels good, I feel good.  But when he feels bad, I get so upset.  It is SO hard.  It is so unfair for him.  He has never lived one day without pain or ever lived one day where he wasn't actually TRYING to breathe.  Can you imagine?  I have a hang nail right now and it's infected and draining.  But his fingernails are missing... MISSING!!  There is just raw, bloody skin there.  How bad must that hurt.  And I know, we all say... he just has a high pain tolerance... he's used to it... he doesn't know any different.  Well so what.  It still hurts and he still cries when he hits them and he still feels pain.  I just want to cry for a whole day.  I don't want a day to sleep... I don't want a day to get out and go shopping... I don't want a vacation.  I just want a day where I can just cry all day and get it all out.  I'm so angry.  I'm so sad.  I'm so so just over it.  I want him better, I want him pain-free, and I want him to live a normal healthy life.  And it breaks my heart that he never will.  And I know all I can do is keep pushing on, keep a smile on my face, and keep being positive.  I just pray I can keep going.

Just peachy.

And you thought our kitchen was ugly...

Well, it ain't got nothin' on this peach tile. Or the geriatric metal handlebars that ensure a safe dismount from our extra-tall commode. I know, you're jealous. I would be too if I were a 1950s housewife. But, I'm not, and neither are you. This is project #4 on our erver increasing to-do list. Right after block windows, new furnace, and upgraded kitchen.

And, in case you couldn't tell, B is wielding a sponge helping me clean. He was absolutely soaked. Oh well. Good labor is hard to find.

Starting off with a cute picture completely unrelated to this post.

I am so over the cold. So over it that I have refused to wear a jacket for the past month. Because I take issue with the restrictive nature of a jacket (esp while driving) and think that if maybe I don't wear one it will induce spring. Of course, this is an absolutely ludicrous claim, and the heat is buzzing on right now.

But the sun is shining, and it's above freezing. This is good. Unfortunately, I really need it to be above 50 to get me out with the running stroller and not feel like I'm subjecting my son to windburn for 40 minutes.

I've considered rejoining our local fitness center recently, but our track record {and budget} tends to sway me back to whatever direction the running stroller rolls in. The joining a gym part isn't difficult. It's the actually going that gets in the way. The last time we belonged, we became members in March of 2008, I was six months pregnant and optimistic that if I just joined a gym I wouldn't gain another ounce the last 3 months of my pregnancy.

So, honestly, I went. I did. Every morning before school (I was doing a long-term sub at the time), I would get up at 5:30am and waddle along awkwardly on the treadmill hoping to stave off another 30 pounds. Oh yes, friends, 30 pounds. You read that right. And, despite my best efforts, I'd go on to gain another 30 before it was all said and done. I quit going in May, when I thought my hips would unhinge if I had to pedal the elliptical one more time.

With another nine months left of our contract and already out several hundred dollars, we quit going. B never went once. Beckham came and I found that nursing *holla* was the best darn diet I'd ever been on and why go to the gym when I could bond with my baby and lose the baby weight? (And now the nursing mommas are giving up an amen!)

Anyway. I am in three weddings this year (thanks, girls) and have three bridesmaid dresses to rock out in 2010, so I'm a bit motivated to tone up. Plus, I haven't nursed in almost nine months, so I need to quit eating like I still burn 500 extra calories a day.

Random question, has anyone ever tried a vanilla-soy latte from Starbucks? Can you taste the soy? I need some recommendations for a healthier coffee drink - one I could make at home, preferably.

Happy Tuesday.

Perfumed Product Phenomenon

The other day I had some girlfriends over for a gab and grub sesh, so I felt compelled to clean everything. You know, in case they looked into my linen closet and wondered why I was storing 11 bottles of half-used, outdated Victoria's Secret products. Because, that would totally be a fair question considering the evidence that surfaced when I emptied the closet.

ELEVEN, friends. ELEVEN!

And, I don't even use them. Not one of them! While I did have a year-long affair with Pure Seduction, I haven't used it regularly since before I was pregnant. All of the others were either purchased in a 5 for $25 deal (because darnit that's a good deal), or were given to me as gifts. Which, by the way is one of my gifting pet peeves. Scents are so personal, why would someone assume you might actually enjoy wearing Amber Romance, you know?

More importantly, why exactly have I been keeping all of these almost-emptied tubes and bottles? It's a phenomenon that escapes me. I really don't know. I ended up throwing all of these away.

Anyway. Are any of you perpetually storing perfumed products?

"Manly Mondays"

Does anyone have a pillow and blanket I can borrow? It has been a busy last two weeks at work with baseball season up and running. This is going on my third year as the Assistant Director of recreation and it just feels like no matter what you do, you can not prepare for the upcoming recreation baseball season. Baseball season is the busiest time with our department and it is a grind with the hours that we put in on a daily basis. I am tired, mentally stressed and could take a nap for about three days if I could. I just can't wait until Tripp can be with me at the park and I can show him off to the world.

Last night was my first meltdown since Tripp was born, where I broke down and cried a litte bit because I just felt like my body and mind hit a brick wall.  I really dont show my emotions to anyone or talk about Tripp's situation to anyone but it got the best of me last night. I have been trying to get myself in a workout routine but with my schedule being everyday, it is hard. I really do think if I can get into a good work out routine that would really help me clear my mind and get some stress out that I keep bundled up sometimes.

Now lets talk about my main man, Tripp. He continues to amaze me with his strength to tackle any road block that tries to get in his way. Like Courtney said in the last blog his eye is getting better and he is opening it more and more. Last week his eyes were hurting him so bad and he could not open them so he was playing with his toys with eyes CLOSED. That to me is amazing because this little guy was hurting so bad but nobody was going to stop him from playing with his toys. Every morning before I go to work I kiss my wife and son on the forehead and I feel like the luckiest person in the WORLD to have those two wonderful people in my life.
See yall next week,  Randy