I'm still here.

Hello to all my faithful friends! 

Thanks so much to those of you who are still reading this, though I've been a really big slacker lately.  I guess I kind of have a fear of repeating myself over and over with the same things.  And lately, it's just been the same ole' thing...

Time is passing by like I never imagined.  I am still seeing my amazing counselor (whom I love).  She's been a tremendous help to me these past months.  I'm so glad I started seeing her when I really didn't think I needed to.  Because I definitely needed to. 

Also, I met up with another mom in Baton Rouge, LA who also lost her baby girl at the age of 2.  She lost her baby 13 years ago due to medical issues as well.  So I was able to hear her story and see where she is right now (which is a very good place).  She was also very helpful to me.  I felt like she could actually relate to me and actually mean it when she said she knows how I feel.  She said that the sadness isn't going to go away... and that I will never ever stop missing my baby.  But one day, this physical, aching pain in my heart and soul will stop hurting (...because I promise you that the loss of a child is an actual, true and physical pain).  I can't imagine it going away.  But it was nice to hear her say that it might one day stop hurting.  And that one day, this guilt I feel for everything will one day go away.  Because the guilt is sometimes worse than the pain. 

My days consist of good days, okay days, and bad days... and lately, a good day can turn into a bad day in the blink of an eye... or vice versa.  I just never know what can spark up a meltdown.  I know meltdowns are good.  And I know that letting things out is good.  Right now, I just can't bear looking at pictures and videos.  They make me so incredibly sad.  So unexplainably sad.  

I know one day that I'll be able to look at those videos and smile and think about all of the good and happy times we shared together... but right now, they just make my heart hurt more.  

I miss my baby so much. 

I had dinner with Dr. Defusco this past Thursday night.  We've been trying to get together for months but she's just been so busy.  Finally, we got to see each other and catch up a little.  She had called me about a month ago to tell me something very special that I haven't shared with you guys.  

Dr. D won System Physician of the Year at Ochsner Hospital this year. 

(I know, I know... so well deserved, right?) 

She said the hospital recognized her for the amazing work she's done (not only for Tripp, but of course for every other one of her patients). 

AND get this... they spoke about Tripp and I at the banquet as well.  

I can't think of anyone in the world more deserving of this award than Dr. Defusco. 

I am so incredibly proud of her. 

And I told her that was Tripp's way of thanking her for everything she did for him. 

Some other good news... My sister is in town.  She's here for about 3-4 weeks until they have to go to Montgomery, AL... and then they will be stationed in Valdosta, GA. 

Her husband Mike has to go back to North Dakota, though, so we won't be seeing him for a few more weeks.  But I do get to hog some sister time!!

Tomorrow, we are leaving for Gatlinburg, TN.  We go at least every other year with the family for vacation.  I love it.  I've always loved it.  But the last time I went was with Tripp when he was about 3 months old (on our way to Cincinnati Children's).  So as with everything else in my life, it will be just a little bittersweet...  knowing he won't be with us this time.  

I am looking forward to spending the week with Stephen and all the family, though.  

They'll be lots of bonding time:)

Please continue to pray for my peace.  

I know where my sweet baby is... but it doesn't help the pain. 

I love you all very much. 

Thank you again for the unending support you've given me through the past years. 

I am so blessed. 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

- 2 Corinthians 12:9

Love,