Monday, September 17, 2012

The Heart Wants

When it comes to making decisions, my heart always leads. Logic is shoved to the wayside. I don't sit and ponder extensive pros and cons lists. There are no complex calculations. Reason, plays a supporting role.

I don't know if I always make the best-overall choices. But I always make the best-for-me-right-now choices. I'm ok with that. Actually, that's what makes me happy. It doesn't make me happy to plan and plot. When I DO make plans, those plans are guaranteed to change. Instead, I live for spontanaeity. I love knowing that nothing is certain and that I'm not stuck to a script or trapped to a pre-decided plot.

This is the reason why I packed up my life after highschool and traveled to the other side of the country, from Seattle to Chicago, for no apparent reason. I knew little about Chicago or how my life would look while I was there. But it felt right. And for some inane reason, I wanted to be there.

It's the reason, after 2 years of dating, my husband and I eloped without telling a soul. It's the reason we had our son less than a year later. It's the reason I quit my semi-prestigious attorney job in a fancy high rise in downtown Seattle to work as a paralegal in the basement of a house 15 minutes from my home. And now, it's the reason I'm jumping back into the hustle-and-bustle routine of a city attorney just one short year (and another baby) later.

My heart obviously can't decide what it wants. I mean, how do you KNOW what you really want if you haven't wandered down ever little sidepath that catches your eye? I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere particular. Life isn't linear or flat. It's an adventure and we don't know when it ends. So why not listen to the little desires of your heart?

When the former partner at my former firm called me out of the blue a couple weeks ago and offered me a job, I knew in that first second that I would take the job. My heart had decided for me. BUT I had to talk my mind into it. I had to pretend to be responsible and go through the motions. "Can I think it over and get back to you in two days?" Was my normal, rational human response.

Does it make sense to jump back into the 4 hour/day commute (at least I'll be working 2 days per week at home), for a start-up firm? I don't know. Because I haven't thought that far. And I have no reason to. I know, in my heart, that I want to pursue this opportunity. That it just feels "right" to me. That's all I need to know.

OMG. I'm so excited!

Who knows, maybe next year I'll be taking the bar exam in Alaska?

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